The angle of deviation

If I were a mathematician I may be able to present this idea in a better way. I shall try to convey this concept using my creative skills and writing ability to compensate for my lack of numeric prowess. I use the word deviation, but the word difference is also attached to this concept in a meaningful way.

Let’s start with Point A as our starting point and where our life begins. Next, we have where we are right now which is Point B. However the place that we would or could have been at is Point C. We now have the basis of a visual interpretation of three separate points. They exist only in a non-physical sense as they relate to points in time and represent emotions, reality, and relativity. Sounds a bit heavy and daunting so far but it will become clearer.

In essence, we have three points that create a triangle with the critical angle sitting between points B and C, this is the Angle of Difference. I don’t know how to equate that to a numeric value so have to proceed with a sense of reasoning. The important aspect of this angle is the deviation from Point A to B and the consequences of increasing the distance between the two points.

My belief is that there may be a limit where the further we exceed a certain point we invite a higher degree of chaos or uninvited things entering into our life. The Angle represents a deviation that we have made from our true self and the greater that divide becomes the more we are out of our depth from who we are and should be. If uncorrected, It could be unlikely we would grow up the be a purely self-evolved individuals, We are influenced and guided by many people and sources, but deviating from the narrative could be contrary to family, society and structured values while accepting it’s better we do emerge with guidance and influence. And perhaps that is where the issue sits?

I found myself at this point of thought, at a time in my life that could have gone very badly or amazingly good. It was all down to a single choice, followed by actions that would create a shift to reduce the Angle of Deviation or Difference. It has been quite a revelation in reaching this understanding. This is something that I need to share with my daughter as I believe it will help her understand what our love meant at that point in time for us both.

The point in time I refer to takes me back to around five years ago when I had reached a breakpoint. My world had crumbled around me and I could only see how my life had brought that about. It did not feel good. My mind took me to dark places where I would contemplate my mortality. I sensed a fear of what would happen if I should fall or have an accident in my home or elsewhere. Even the odd question of, would my cat eat me if I were on the floor dead for some time, entered my thoughts? It was quite unpleasant to realise that I could contemplate those things.

I recognised that I had reached the bottom of a pit which allowed me to wake up to cold reality. I did not want to die and didn’t want to consider suicide as an option. I love life and people, it was just myself that I hadn’t loved. From that day forward I began to change. What I had not realised at that moment was the love for my son and daughter gave me the strength to drag myself away from the precipice of doom. I was so in need of focusing on my own survival that I was not able to acknowledge that effect on me at the time.

Now, this has filtered back to my consciousness to write this account, it brings with it a sense of beauty from the horror of that time. But in that awareness, I could also see that void between where I had got to in life and am now. Standing in the place I needed to be and on my true path in life. It has led me to wonder if there is a limit to how far we can deviate from our true path before life collapses in on itself. At that early point, I had reached my limit and could go no further down that route without a disastrous potential outcome. It could have been a very different story and one where I may not have been around to write this account.

Many things can be equated through maths with solutions to equations found. Is this one of them? I really have no idea. All I have is my own experience and the understanding that I have found in time. Like many of the theories, I formulate this is one that feels as if it has something quite sensible within it. It makes a kind of sense of reason, but maybe that is because it is my experience. By writing about it, I help myself while in the belief that I may fire a spark in another that this can resonates with too. We are all connected so it makes logical sense and reasoning that others may have felt and experienced this for themselves. Perhaps like me, it hasn’t risen to the surface and waits for the right moment in your life to arrive when it will make complete sense to you.

I may have a couple of letters to write to my son and daughter, as I feel I will be able to express this better with my writing and words that are clear and not lost or diluted through conversation. It’s too easy for me to lose the thread when in emotional talk with those close to me. My sensitivity gets in the way and has taken me many years to recognise that. My learning never stops and I do not wish it to. I open my mind and heart to it all.

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