How happy I am to see more sun and get to enjoy being out in my garden again. I have even caught a little bit of a tan too.
Every month appears to hold something in store…
…and April has been no exception to that. Four months into this year and it is already disappearing quite quickly. It has been a bit of a struggle this month financially but I am happy to know that as of May things will be easier. However this has been lonely month with no socialising and being creative with my cooking. Things were not helped by my mower having problems and needing some new parts. Not the best time of the year for it to die. I strimmed 75% of my garden over 3 days before getting the mower to run again. But only temporarily, it really does need some new parts.
Moving on to the better aspects of this month, the house will be back on the market for sale, hopefully by the end of April. And at a saleable price – although below the price it was bought for back in 2005. However, it’s all relative, as the property market has fallen overall and I should still be able to get something suitable without breaking the bank.
Now I get to the big news story of this month, this year and maybe my lifetime!!!
On the evening of April 4, and after a misunderstanding during a ‘chat’ with my daughter while she was at work, she had become upset. Sadly too often during a ‘Chat’ session online, the things that you type do not convey what you wish to say as clearly as you would have hoped and can become unduly complex without much effort. As it had on this occasion. The parting message from my daughter was that we should discuss this later in that evening, to which I agreed without question.
It’s not particularly relevant to mention the topic of conversation, only that I began to think it was time to tell my daughter who and what I really was! With phone calls to her I usually arrange for a message to be sent when it’s a good time to call, and later that evening the message arrived – ‘ok now’
I think I had built up the tension and worry in myself that afternoon in anticipation of what I felt I needed to do. So my heart jumped at the thought of making the call and my hands were a little shaky. I fetched the phone, sat down in my kitchen and took a deep breath and composed myself to dial the number.
After the initial and usual greetings, albeit a little tension in the air from early in the day, and in a shaky tremble in my voice, I began to try and find the right words to begin my story. I didn’t exactly give details as first instance. I had uploaded some photos of myself for her to see very clearly who I was. I think my point in that was to make sure that she understood that I was very serious about what and who I was and a photo would help to show that immediately. So I sent a link and asked her to message me again, once she had seen several of my photos.
The message arrived and read – “I still love you dad”. Oh, how I didn’t just break down and cry there and then I really don’t know. I think that I realised that I had to be strong and keep it together to carry on with my story without being a blubbering wreck. So another big and but deeper breath I anxiously made the second call. Most of the time during this conversation I was delicately balanced on the verge of tears, swallowing, or simply holding back my emotions. Probably made so much worse by the simple fact that I had kept this a secret for all of my life. She was the first person to actually know the real me and it felt very strange and also liberating at the same time. I also felt the most exposed and vulnerable in my whole life.
She was so very sweet and told me that I wasn’t alone any more. But wished that I had been able to tell her much earlier in her life. I understood that, I could only agree with the sentiment of the statement. We continued to talk and I calmed down a little as well as nervously laughing a few times and what were probably bad jokes on my part. But I was trying to make it a lighter hearted topic of conversation.
Overall it has hit my daughter quite hard and she has questioned many things about her own life along with the time we lived together as a family. I have had a few questions since. I guess time is the main factor now in coming to terms with this like most things. And this surely is quite a major discovery for anyone to have in their life. She is not ready to meet Sophie and I am ok with that and sympathise with her feelings. So my visit in the coming week, will be as the father. I am sure when the time comes for her to meet Sophie, it will be quite something for me too and not just my daughter.
My ex, her mother, is now also aware of the real me. We have discussed things online and I was surprised just how cool she was about it all. I did ask if she had any idea before being told. She replied that “she always felt that I hid something”, that was very perceptive to have seen that in me. She also mentioned that she too would have liked me to have divulged my secret to her while we were married. I just don’t think that I was ready myself to do that then. But now I have no reservations about that or who I am. She also asked if I wanted to be Sophie during my brief stay at her house which I thought was very kind and understanding. Sadly my suitcase is only big enough for one set of clothes, so given that my daughter is not ready yet I will be traveling in male mode.
Since that day, I have thought about the conversations I had with both of them and I am very happy to report, that I do feel a lot better for having included them in my real life. But they are the only two people in my world of family and friends that now know the real me. I haven’t experienced the benefits of coming out to them both, but this is a very recent event and not many things changes so rapidly in your life. My 10 day visit I hope will begin to improve that.