The end and the beginning


December 28th and we are in the closing days of 2018 and heading towards a New Year – 2019. It has been a landmark year for me in so many repects which leaves me feeling that it’s been a very good year in my life.

2018 Plus Points

  • I have re-connected with my family
  • All of my French ID is resolved – not bad for a foreigner
  • I have employment for the summer if I choose to accept it
  • I have more good people in my life
  • Appointments for 2019 to carry me towards my transition
  • Bertie and I have made it through another year
  • The cream to diminish beard growth is working well

The Negative Points

  • I have moments of lonlieness and deep sadness
  • I wonder if I have confined myself to a life alone
  • I have further health investigations not heart related
  • My financial reserves are low
  • I missed my family a great deal this Christmas
  • Bertie has a tumour and limited life expectancy

Perhaps you may have detected that this festive season has been a little tough for me. And you would be right. John came down with a cold just before Christmas and I suffered bad sinus problems. I got meds to aid with my problem on Christmas Eve which really helped very quickly.

Christmas Eve

I had bought enough seafood for two in case John chose to join me. Unfortunately he was suffing with a cold and decided it best to stay at home. When the day arrived I wasn’t feeling particuarly hungry or like having any kind of feast on my own. There was no way I could waste good food and so I forced myself to prepare some of what I had bought. Lobster, prawns, langoustines, crab and oysters. Yes that’s a lot of seafood especially for one person. I was disappointed with the crab and lobster. I had bought both items frozen and for the last time I might add! I spread the meal out over the afternoon but cannot say that I really enjoyed much of it. Even with a nice bottle of Champagne which I restrained myself to drink only a couple of glasses. I had bought a special stopper which allowed me to enjoy it the next day too. Bertie was lucky and got to sample oysters, prawns and langoustine. Late that afternoon and dark outside I encountered ‘The panic of the day’! It happened while I was cooking various things in preparation for Christmas day – the bottle of gas ran out. Oblivious of quite what time it was I went into a minor panic. Christmas lunch was doomed if I could not get another bottle before the shops had shut. It was only 5.30pm but I wasn’t aware exactly what would be open on Christmas Eve at that time. Would I be able to buy a replacement at all?

In no time at all I arrived at a local petrol station which was open to my great relief. The young lady who served me suggested that I should have two bottles in case of situations such as this. I have two bottles but forgot to replace the empty one!

Christmas Day

Awaking at around 6am is not unusual for me and Christmas morning was no exception! While I lay in bed waking up I sent messages of greetings to my sister, son and daughter. All replied and that really made my day. In particular when my son replied, although I have to admit that I cried a little at that point.

The morning disappeared quickly with lots of things to prepare for lunch. Before I knew it, John was knocking at my door albeit a little earlier than we had agreeded. By that time I had already enjoyed a couple of small largers and was in a joviale mood. John had arrived with a few gifts. Some which I know have been around for a while and he is now passing on to me, some bought. The half bottle of champagne being the best and most recently bought. Don’t get me worng, it’s not a protest but simply an observation. I would not have been concerned if he arrived with nothing. My purpose in inviting him was that he would otherwise have been alone.

I had begun cooking before John arrived so dinner was about an hour away. A cold starter of smoked salmon balls filled with crab or prawn with a little creamy sauce and a crisp salad. The turkey roast, stuffing, potatoes and vegetables were very enjoyable too. Accompanied by a glass of bubbly with the starter and a fine red with the turkey, while John had cola and water. I made a pudding which is rare for me – pictured right. I think of it as a deconstructed Christmas pudding with a twist and much lighter, .

John eventually went home about 6.30pm with Mary his furry compainion who needed to be fed. After they had set off, I stepped into a small wet puddle in my dining room. Mary had releived herself on my tiled floor to my surprise. I concede that it was preferable to the carpet or my sofa. While I understand about pets, I can also be a little annoyed by such an incident.

When all the eating and drinking is over it’s easy to be melancholy. And I was. I’ve had a fair amount of tears over the past few days. Lonlieness being the most common reason and probably not helped by a few glasses of wine. I know that I need to comitt to regular exercise and feel better once I have. Not mention the over indulgence of the festive period and have bought more than the usual qouta of snacks, drinks supported by general over eating. However this is the longest period of low spirit I’ve had for quite some time and it feels as unpleasant as it always did. I will manage to lift myself out gloomy place soon.

Saturday afternoon and I decided that I should get out of the house for a short while. The sun was shinning and the sky blue, so I decided to go for walk to buy some food in the very chilly late afternoon air. It helped a little.

There are only a couple of days until the New Year when things will begin to return to the familiar and daily rountine of life. I hope soon to feel more positive and brighter in my outlook as I start another year of discovery and development.

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