21 Janaury 2019
Maybe it’s curiosity or a need to know that brings you to my site. The reason isn’t important. It’s encouraging enough that you find it worth a moment of your time. Time is a perhaps one of the most valueable assets we all possess. To be clear, I have absolutely no idea who chooses to look at the site or when. Even if someone has subscribed it makes no difference. Those who choose to leave a comment identify themselves in the act and why most refrain I assume.
My story exposes an extremely personal side of my life that not many are able or prepared to do. However, it was never the reason to begin writing my account or publish it online. It was simply a way I found that helped me when I needed to better understand myself and my life. As it unfolded and moved forward I chose to create the site to record events. It has served more than the purpose of being a source of reflection which allows me to review and process events in my life better. Hopefully it’s allowed friends and family to gain a better understanding of my life once they have become aware of my life changing decisions.
Apart from the immediate benefit to me in adding chapters to my story it provides a reminder of how my life has changed since my first entry in February 2017. I have learnt a great deal about myself and life in France during that time.
Currently I feel that I live in a ‘No Man’s Land’. Not man nor woman, not one thing or another and it is unsettling. I believe we all have a need to have a sense of belonging somewhere in life. I’ve spent the greater part of my life trying to fulfill life as a man and did for some parts. Although it wasn’t until I found myself living on my own in 2012, that I realised those feelings I had from childhood were still in my head albeit suppressed. Buried from a young age, convinced they were ‘the wrong feelings to have’, allowing a continuation of self deception. Nevertheless they were still there. It wasn’t courage that enabled me to turn my life around, simply a need to be myself before it’s too late! I owed it to myself?
Should my articles help in anyway to bring about a better understanding of transition, I find that consoling. While generally attitudes have improved towards the subject it’s still taboo for many. There is still a long way to go especially here in France.