6 April 2019
Before I chose to make my way in life as Sophie there were many times in my life when I felt unhappy and bad about myself. I questioned what love was. Wondered if I did actually love anyone and they me. Often felt ashamed of myself and then purged the clothes, make-up etc that I had bought that made me happy for a while. There were times of guilt because I had not been honest with myself or those around. My life had been troubled in many ways by my internal conflict which I never managed to understand or come to terms with for so many years. I hope that it’s evident that I have moved on from feeling sad about my past. I acknowledge that it made me the person I am today and gave me two wonderful children.
Today I was chatting with a friend when suddenly like a door opening and light filling a room, a sudden realisation floated into my thoughts. We were discussing how each of us was getting on in general. I was explaining how I was very content and happy with my life now, more that at any other period in my history. Suddenly my thoughts cystalised and it became apparent that my life had altered in a way which I hadn’t fully credited the degree of change in my day to day life. Those terrible feelings that haunted me before are gone forever. Nothing to feel bad or guilty about, nothing to hide or be ashamed of and I am not betraying or hurting anyone. I’m very happy that I can now state quite openly and with total honesty that I love myself and my family. Something that eluded me for such a long time which I now understand much better. I am able to be myself and it just feels the most natural thing in my life now. It did jolt me into wondering why it hadn’t ocurred to me until now that I was free from those debilitating feelings. I rarely find myself thinking about my past life, the present and the future are my only concerns.
It took a major change in my circumstances to allow this all to happen, but feel something would have had to drastically change at that time. Once I understood myself better and able to accept who I was, I had already made up my mind that I couldn’t continue to live a lie any longer. In retrospect, things from that point began to happen in a strangely but timely way which I cannot explain even now.
I am simply Sophie to everyone I know since moving to my house in Bellac in the autumn of 2017. I have made some good friends in the area and have made many aquitances. But I have to admit that I do feel lonely from time to time. Although that can happen when you live alone or with someone.