Bad hair day

26 July 2019

At the start of each day the harsh reality of who I am stares back at me from the bathroom mirror. An inescapable jolt that reminds me that I was born male, no mater how I feel inside. As I remove my wig to reveal the person that only I see, I am faced with the memories that have created this face. The lines and creases of laughter, sadness, stress, happiness and progressing age with a trace of masculinity that still remains highlighted by my receding hairline. I can’t allow this to bring me down and I manage to rise above it once again.

Keeping a positive attitude

During my second marriage I found myself in depression towards the end, lacking enthusiasm for life and my work. The later at the time was more important as I was self employed and couldn’t afford for things to fall apart. I would have happily stayed under the duvet at that point to avoid the world. Luckily I couldn’t do that. I went to see my doctor who prescribed anti-depressants and offered a route to counselling which I accepted. I managed to get myself off the meds after a short period but counselling never really happened, that’s another story. At the end of that episode I made a promise to myself never to slip back into that dark and lonely place ever again. I am proud to write that so far so good. And a promise that has served me well over the years. Absolutely no one has seen me without my wig and I intend to continue that way for the foreseeable future. As happy as I am, one thing that troubles me most days is my hair! I doubt if I will be able to change that. As far as I understand, estrogen will not correct hair loss and it’s unlikely that I will have the confidence to go ‘au naturel’ now or in the future. There are women who have braved a shaven head, worn scarves etc and look cool. I’m not sure I can carry that look off or wish to. Assuming that I will eventually be able to complete the change of my physical form to female, the hair will always be lacking in my opinion. I imagine it’s just something I will have to continue to deal with.

Once and a while I forget quite were my life was a couple of years ago. Not knowing if I would have any options available other than simply living as a woman. It’s strange how we become complacent so easily about many things and this is no different. It seams it’s a common trait to want more and better throughout your life. I thought I had left much of that thinking behind when I moved to France but perhaps not?

Research without reservations

13 years ago while living here in France I had major surgery and no stranger to post-op tensions, concerns and dealing with recovery. Although I have spent time researching information on gender reassignment surgery for transition to female I’ve never fully explored the information available. Yesterday I changed that. I found it extremely enlightening and fascinating. I already understood the process and the techniques used but not in great detail. Fortunately there is a wealth of information by those who have undergone surgery and surgeons who have carried out operations. So I’ve now read through various medical extracts on exactly what takes place, risks, outcomes, techniques. Articles by pre and post-op patients. Seen photographs during operations, before and after, comprehensive illustrations and videos that leave nothing to the imagination.

Some of the video sequences made me wince at the thought of being dissected in such a sensitive part of the anatomy but overall it was quite incredible how they can completely reconstruct such a complex and sensitive part of your body. I am in no doubt that a high degree of pain and discomfort, albeit controlled with morphine for a short while, is part of the package. Not surprising really when you see what is actually done and snipped off! But it left me feeling that I have no reservations about embarking on this process and it’s just a waiting game until October when I may know more about viability.

Heatwave, storms and socialising

The summer has been one of extremes. A late start with chilly days and nights suddenly changing to searing heat interspersed with storms. I have never seen so much lightening. Today is one of relief with a grey and stormy sky which as yet has not delivered the much needed rain to my vegetable garden. Tonight I am going to a concert and buffet at the local theatre. A fund raising event for children of Madagascar. My friend runs a small choir and will open the evening with a selection of French, English and Spanish songs. Followed by a 40 minute performance by Hanitra a Malagasy singer, musician and composer. The evening finishes on pleasant and socail note with a buffet.

The end of summer may be quiet as I have no plans or ideas in place. I need to budget well to allow me to replace large double doors to my kitchen balcony before the weather changes. I would also like to get on with some decorating and repairs in and around the house. They can happen as and when as generally internal work.

I may have visits from and old friend in England, my daughter or my sister, but no dates have been fixed at this point. In the meantime I wait for October in anticipation of long awaited personal developments.

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