I’ve been writing quite a lot lately and it appears to have simulated my mind, scanning through life events since 2016. I think this can be attributed to two main factors, the confinement in its sixth week and that I have rejoined a website that I was an ambassador and editor on during 2016-17. I have been honoured once again, to be swiftly awarded my position on the site again. I decided to try and make a difference for others still struggling with their lives with my return.
In my role on the site, I have written a few articles and have begun a series of film reviews that cover topic of Transgender. In editing others articles, I am getting the perspective of others which widens my own scope of thinking. Some things are a jolt to my mind and make me re-think certain aspects, softening the edges of my personal boundaries and beliefs. I see this as progress and am trying to embrace it all.
I was looking for an image on my laptop of a photo I had taken some while ago. I didn’t fine it, but came across selfies that I had taken shortly after I had begun to restock clothes, shoes and makeup etc. I took me straight back to my life of four years ago, when I probably thought of myself as a crossdresser more than anything else. The featured photo was one that I still quite like and still have the blue satin dress. However, at that stage I needed to explore how feminine I could become in my appearance. I never liked the idea of being confronted when I chose to go out publicly. I was also experimenting with looks and makeup. Although I haven’t worn that wig since then, I still have it safely in a drawer.
I lacked confidence in being Sophie if I was to venture out in public and needed to find my identity, one that I felt comfortable with and represented me too. I proceeded to buy various styles of clothes and different wigs. I had previously discovered that short hair suited my face much better than long flowing locks, no matter how much I may have like to buy one. Well, I confess that I did buy one! A long shoulder length style that I liked, but only to reaffirm that I looked awful in it! I bought second hand clothes, partly due to lack of funds, or not wish to potentially waste money on things that either didn’t fit, or were not my style. It was a slow learning process, as was finding a makeup style that made me look feminie and not heavy handed.
I always knew that classic styles were a safe bet, they never really go out of fashion, but I liked a little bit of rock and roll in my life too. But who can resist a lovely dress? I continue to like dresses, they can be more comfortable and flattering if you pick carefully and perfect for an evening out for dinner. I keep my makeup simple and a limited range of colours that suit my complexion.
Ok, getting to the point that sparked off this flood of text, is about how I have changed since 2016! Back then, I thought of myself as a crossdesser, mainly because I had no idea of the possibilities that were available to me. I had simply decided that I needed to live a life, that deep-down I wished that I had been able to much earlier on. My finances were at an all-time low with little prospects of work. How could I consider paying for expensive treatment to go further. So, I accepted the happiness that I had found in simply being myself, albeit, physically as a man. I had started to purchase a hormone treatment online, prepared to deal with any consequences that may have occurred thereafter. I needed to live my life being honest and true to myself, after so many years of failing to do that. I needed to do it so very badly that I was prepared to take a risk with my health, feeling that it would be better to die happily than in a continued state of unhappiness and frustration. Thankfully I am still here!
During the autumn of 2016, I made contact with someone who was living their life in the same way as me, but already establish in treatment, with surgery planned for the following year. It was later in conversation, that I discovered I could be accepted for medical assistance and pursue my dream further than I had imagined. At that point, I really wasn’t certain if I truly desired to have surgery. Within a couple of months or less, the more I reflected on the idea, the less frightening it became. I started to research the surgical procedures to understand exactly how and what it entailed, by watching videos, reading reports from surgeons and those who had undergone surgery.
I knew that from a child, I had wished that I would wake one morning to find that I was a girl. Dreams where I did become a girl, built my hopes that it may somehow be possible. Over time, the idea subsided as I always woke up as a boy. Life managed to suppress those feelings generally, but they remained throughout my life, flooding back in waves, pulling me back into thoughts of being a woman.
Once I eventually learned how to accept myself, so much of my life fell into place as if finding that lost piece of a jigsaw puzzle. There was no doubt in my mind from that day on who I was. I needed to transition, to finally put to rest the turmoil and internalisation I had suffered from all my life. Since that day I have driven myself through the French bureaucracy, changing my identity, finding the best places to seek treatment and information. Learning to live my life without the baggage I carried around for so many years. I am now closer to the final stages than I could ever have imagined, compared to just a few years ago. If meetings don’t get too further delayed this year, I have expectations for a date to undergo surgery before this year is over.
Realising a dream is not something that we believe is likely to happen in a lifetime. However, later this year I may experience exactly that. I am certain that there will be quite a few tears on the day after surgery, but ones of joy and not sadness.