No matter how I feel about myself and the way I live my life now, there will always be a few things that I can never change, or have the desire to.
The first is pretty obvious in that I was born male. But the one I have in mind right now, is the undeniable fact that I have two children from my first two marriages. Had I have been able to transition much earlier; I may not have had that privilege.
I was never particularly confident growing up, I had a few friends who lived close by and a sister who had her own friends, she was quite protective towards me; maybe being the older child or just being a sister. For want of a better description, I was ‘frightened’ by the thoughts of a girlfriend for some reason as a teenager and was 19 before I had my first real girlfriend, who I later married. Looking back, it is easy to see that we were both far too young and inexperienced in life to marry when we did. We became parents too soon but not unhappy with the situation and cherish and love our son. I have no contact with any of my ex’s, which is a mutual arrangement with all three of them.
During my adult life I only had relationships with women, I was a born male and that’s what they do – isn’t it? I honestly cannot say that I have ever been attracted to a man. When I finally embarked on this stage of my life, it was driven simply by a powerful need to resolve my internal conflict. Finally accepting who I was left me feeling that I had no other alternative than to take the decisions that would affect the remainder of my time in this world; in the most positive and definitive way I could. My libido had already diminished during the last couple of years of my last relationship, our daily life breaking down as we grew further apart. I did attempt dating after we had separated, but I don’t think I was really serious in my intent; in retrospect I believe it was an act in desperation of the loneliness that I found myself in.
Trapped in a psychological prison
It wasn’t until I eight years later when I began living as a woman, that my thinking started to shift, although only in a curious way. I was in no hurry to find a partner of any kind, I just needed to get my life fully on track and work towards becoming the woman that I knew I could be. From that point forward, I consciously avoided and blocked out any ideas of a relationship; I am unable to accept myself as half man, half woman, which has kept me trapped in my own psychological prison.
Last spring, I realised what I had imposed on myself and how it limited my thinking and actions. The realisation encouraged me to make an effort to be much more sociable, going to local events and pushing myself to participate on a vastly improved level of social interaction. That proved to be a great idea that created a very rewarding and enjoyable year. I confess that I was helped by the support of a very good friend in the town, he introduced me to so many people that it’s impossible to recall all of their names. I am now better known in the town with a wider circle of friends and have since been invited to days out, private parties, dinners, visits to restaurants, nights out and more. One evening while chatting and appreciating some live music at an open-air concert at the local theatre, a man suddenly emerged from the people around me and kissed me on the cheek! Apart from the complete surprise, I found it quite amusing and laughed with my friend. It was well into the evening and he probably had a few drinks too many. All the same, it was a boost to my self-esteem and confidence even if he had. I have never been confronted or questioned about anything personal since living as a woman. Those that I have become good friends with, I have openly discussed my life with them; also learning that a number of people in the town are already are aware, unbeknown me. I am not phased by that and happy to talk with anyone should they wish to approach me on the subject.
I had a dream
It would be dishonest of me to say that I had not given any thought to a possible friendship or relationship with a man over the past few years. But as I am, I can’t get past ideas of a potential disaster if I did seek that now. I can only wait until after my surgery before, at last, resolve the discord with my physical form. While writing this, I have realised that I have not researched the effects of surgery, in relation to sexual desires after SRS. I have only read articles on the functionality and sensitivity after surgery. It remains for the time being, that I may not actively seek a relationship, but hope to have the knowledge and confidence to engage in one should I choose. Only time will provide that answer to me. So, until, if and when that happens, I will simply take great pride in myself and the achievement of getting this close to a lifelong dream.