Mourning for yourself

The title may appear to make no sense at all when you first read it, but let me explain how we can find ourselves doing exactly just that in our present life.

Describing going through transition as emotional and traumatic, could sound a little like an understatement to many entering into this stage of their life or those at the journeys end. By the time we have realised that we need to be our true self and begin to transition, be that in part or full, we have already invested heavily into the life we have been living up until that point.

Our lives are constantly changing and affected by what happens to everything and everyone around us. We become involved with others through marriage, loving relationships and perhaps becoming a parent with children. We entangle ourselves with others in physical, emotional and psychological ways all through life. That is what we do in creating our own lives, through our emotions, actions and repetition in the way we choose to live.

That day when it all changes

So, we that days arrives when you cannot ber to continue with that same old life and need to embrace your true self, is when things begin to change in many ways and on every level of your daily life.

I went through this process myself around four years ago after realising that I had lived my life in a habitual and repetitive manner, ignoring my deep rooted desire to be someone else, which had been suppressed for what felt like an eternity then. To look back on that time now, I still feel the emotional tidal wave that hit me at that moment, induced by starting to take estrogen capsules and shifting my life to a more public and feminine presentation of myself.

The thoughts of breaking the news of my decision to members of my family and especially my daughter, who I had a close relationship with, made me shudder at the thought of and potential consequences. I began to create an image in my mind that wasn’t real but of my own making of how things could play out.

Comprehending the impact

I had started to feel not only emotional more frequently on a new level, but unsettled without understanding why, with moments of deep sadness when I thought about how certain parts or my life would never be the same again. The possible loss of friends and family who at worst case scenario would not accept me or make fun of my choice to live as a woman.

I visited a female friend who had I had know for a few years and before I changed my life path and was the first person to know about my decision. We sat in her beautifully managed garden in the shade of a tree on a sunny afternoon, sipping a glasses of rosé wine and chatting, as we had always done so freely. She became an even better friend and support in my life at a time when I so much need that. During our conversation, I had mentioned how I had been feeling and the bouts of sadness that were quite overwhelming sometimes. It concerned me why I couldn’t see what was making me feel so sad; I was too close to the situation to be able to observe myself.

Her remark hit me like a church bell had suddenly chimed, the sound waves colliding with my head and resonating for a brief moment. What she suggested was quite powerful and had quite an impact – that I had been mourning for my old self. I had already broken certain ties with people and made changes in my life that was a letting go of my old self. As if I were waving off an old and dear friend while standing on the quayside as a liner begins to drift out to the open sea, to another continent and far off land.

Breaking links with your past

In that moment, I suddenly saw that I had been ‘mourning’ for my old self, acknowledging the ties I had severed on multiple levels from my old habitual pattern of life. It was allowing me to be free from many things and I was waving goodbye forever to all of them as I sailed away into a new existence and new and happier life.

I had forgotten all about this moment until I heard something recently that instantly took me back to that day. I also began to be aware that there other moments in that early stage of my transition of equally importance. As I recall them I will try to incorporate them in articles from time to time.

Should any of you reading this article have felt similar at some point in your transition I would love to hear from you in a comment or via a message on the site. I hope that this may provide some insight to a difficult period during transition that may not be so clear or as obvious for you, as it eluded myself some while ago.

Love and hugs

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

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