From childhood, I always felt that I was different from others but never understood, realised or really sensed this until the age of puberty, and even then it wasn’t crystal clear in my mind or fully formed as a real understanding or feeling. Certainly, by puberty, I had begun having certain desires that pulled me in a direction of my femininity and not something I felt I should not resist, as it made me feel good about myself and for no apparent reason.
I used to put my fragility down to a lack of confidence as it seemed the most likely and obvious for most of my life. Over the past year, I have learned much more about myself, being able to look back at my life and understand things in a clearer manner, with detachment and honesty with a better-informed perspective of it all.
The mornings have become quite an unusual and surprising time for me on a more regular basis, I awake as if I have been studying, reading, or have been taught something, or made to understand something so unrelated to the previous day or week of my life; but so profound or relevant in the whole scheme of things that I find myself writing, as I am right now to express this experience, whatever it may be. I have my beliefs and theories of what it is but will save that for another time. Here, I wish to focus on what is in my mind from my waking hours and drives me to sit typing so early in the day before anything else.
I have generally understood that I am quite a sensitive person and easily hurt by the slightest hint of attack or slightly hostile action from another. By that, I don’t mean an act of violence, but where I would sense an edginess, intended or not, but it would affect me. In turn, I would translate that into my lack of confidence, as I had no other explanation for the feeling. How would you know if you’re more sensitive than others if you didn’t discuss it with anyone else? We can too easily believe that everyone is the same, and why not, it makes sense to consider that, doesn’t it? The harsh reality of my life was that I genuinely did suffer from a lack of self-confidence and thereby confusing this aspect of my life further.
Among the many parts of my learning and knowledge that I have dipped into over the last year was Numerology. I had read about this topic before, but it came back into my life last year like so many thoughts that arrive out of nowhere; as a result, I purchased a book after some research. It reminded me of the power of numbers and how they have a special meaning and relate to so much that surrounds our history and lives, in ways that are fascinating and can expand our thinking. I enjoyed rediscovering it and made the necessary calculations and notes to use the information provided in the book. By creating a basic grid to place my personal numbers into it, I found that I had three of the number 2, that sit into one box on the left-hand side of a grid of 3 x 3. They sat in the centre box which indicates that I am highly sensitive, possibly hyper-sensitive! That hit me – like chalk squeaking on a blackboard for a spilt second. A sharp and grating reminder of my true and deep inner feelings that have been with me all my life.
I had acknowledged the detail at the time, but it soon drifted into the background of my thinking as it had done before and so long ago, until that moment. I am aware of a thought from yesterday regarding my sensitivity and the first time for quite some time, but, no more than a reflection that appeared for an unknown reason into my thoughts. So, in many ways, it’s no surprise to find myself writing this morning on the very subject, but with an outcome and not just waffling.
The concept that now resides in my mind is one that makes sense to me, it allows me to understand myself much better and become aware and make use of this sensitivity instead of suppressing it in the background of my mind, rendering it useless to me. It has nothing to do with my self-confidence, it is simply about my ability to sense the slightest shift in things around me and be aware of minor details that can affect me if they continue to be ignored. They are not all of great importance and I need to filter them, just as we can filter out the sound of a ticking clock in a quiet room. Now I am aware of this I can fine-tune it from now on.
It leaves me wondering, what other natural things may I have shut away in this way, not realising that they are my natural abilities, not encouraged or understood by my parents or anyone else including myself. I will be on alert now for any other signs, or maybe I will awake in the near future with another idea that mysteriously arrives during my sleep, to present me with another article to deliver?