No anger only hurt
I recently became aware that throughout my life the feeling of anger has been almost completely absent in any presence, in the way I could feel and sense something. To relate as an emotional response to an action or information that I encountered. I struggle to understand how this could ever be possible. When was the last time I could recall feeling angry? Especially that I know we all have a gland in our brain that works in an automatic way, best know for Fight or Flight response. Was mine faulty, damaged or what? What was preventing me from being or feeling angry?
Anger is the result and reaction that we experience when we perceive something as a threat. A threat to our well being and perhaps a step away from danger, something that I’ve grown to understand more completely over the years. But this does not help me rationalise my thoughts. I can recall many moments and situations, that upon reflection, I could or should have been angry, creating a more protective response for myself and in dealing with the threat or danger. But what happened in reality, and has done throughout my life is that I have felt hurt, over and above a feeling of a threat of fear or danger.
My first reaction, is that it feels like something is wrong with how I am perceiving a situation and reacting. Why would I do that, it doesn’t make sense to me, this is not how I understand my brain and mind to operate in these circumstances? No matter how I try to alter my thoughts about why this happens or how is it possible, I seem to arrive at the same conclusion! Am I stuck in a loop of thinking, have I lost an ability to be objective about myself and what I sense, how my mind reacts, one or all of those points occurring together. I recently became aware that throughout my life the feeling of anger has been almost completely absent in any presence, in the way I could feel and sense something. To relate as an emotional response to an action or information that I encountered. I struggle to understand how this could ever be possible. When was the last time I could recall feeling angry? Especially that I know we all have a gland in our brain that works in an automatic way, best know for Fight or Flight response. Was mine faulty, damaged or what? What was preventing me from being or feeling angry? Had I simply suppressed fear from an extremely early age?
Just lie on the couch and relax
So, here I am giving myself a therapy session in doing what I have discovered to be the most powerful and effect way of getting to the root of any problem or issue – writing about it, reprocessing events, thoughts and feelings. A period of about 30 minutes of one morning this week has brought me to this part of my learning and journey of understanding everything. One I would have preferred to avoid, but perhaps this is an obstacle that I needed to, and must overcome. My first steps to resolve this was to try some mediation to calm down my inner feelings, but I failed to stop the traffic in my mind. I had hoped that after a nights sleep that I would awake the following morning with a clearer and more settled view of things, shaking off the unpleasant feelings and emotions that I had encountered involuntarily the previous day.
To my disappointment, I woke at 3.40 am to find it was still playing out like a house party in the house next door, and what I really did not expect. I contemplated getting up and trying meditation, as I know this takes me to a calmer state where I can distance myself from perceived reality and become objective and clear in thought. I began a breathing exercise to shift my state of mind and thankfully eventually fell back to sleep.
Upon waking at around 8 am, no sooner had I opened my eyes it all flooded back in to my consciousness once again. The difference was, that some of that bad internal energy that brought me to that state during the previous day had become a little less prominent. What remained was a sadness, I began to cry as the tears rolled down my face while still in my bed. Oh, I couldn’t begin the day like this! I had to take control, a few deep breaths and focusing my mind on good and positive things, I got out of bed! Progress, but I still felt like I arose in a mist of uncertainty and didn’t like the feeling at all. Meditation, that’s what I need, and the morning is my best time. Within several minutes of trying to go into meditation, I broke down in tears once again. How was I going to stop this?
I looked out of the window, fixing my stare on the grey green landscape of this cold morning, trying to let my mind settle on the beauty of nature, not fixing my thoughts on the situation. It entered my mind to sit and use the magic of expressing this through words. As I began typing and seeing my emotions appear in front of me it made me cry again as I relived it again. Deep down inside of me I knew that writing worked and it was my salvation. I needed this to be so true that I was overwhelmed as that appeared as a thought to me! (pause…)
This is proving to be harder than I imagined, but I must go on, I need to go on. Time for a breather and refocus!
Back with a strong coffee and a fresh pack of tissues, I began again. The reality of what I am confronting is painful and I don’t understand why. Is it, because It shows to me how and why so much that affected me during my life was due to what I am learning now? Is it, that my high level of sensitivity prevented me from becoming angry because, I knew and felt exactly what was happening and why those situations happened, but did not comprehend or interpret it to my benefit at the time? Did I become a victim of my misconception and lack of understanding of my high level of sensitivity/hyper-sensitivity/empathy?
One thing that I have learned, is to trust in what I feel and sense, we can only know ourselves in an absolute sense and meaning. Even then it is subjective and questionable if we allow self doubt, traits that I avoid with as much control as I am able. I am human just like any other, while I am unique as each one of us is, the same but different. That sounds very close to a Quantum science point of view and it sits well with me here.
Much of what I feel, believe and know are my beliefs and perceptions, which I trust, in the ways these have developed by my conscious choice. Taking me along a path of self understanding and empowerment, things you do not unlearn and like an image to you cannot un-see. If we cannot trust in ourselves, who can we trust? We do not know any other like we know every tiny aspect of ourselves, physically, biologically or spiritually. This is the way I work these days and cannot see a better way to speak about what I feel is the truth, as I know it!
As that comment returns to my thinking I feel a sense of calm and resolution from the discomfort that returned to me early this morning. The self doubts about what I had felt and sensed, I questioned them and they were making me feel invalid in myself, my worth and values that are essential parts of the core and centre of who and what I am in this world of energy. The bad negative energy sent out yesterday morning that found it’s way into my core, knocked me off balance and took me by such surprise, while I believed that I was in a safe place, physically and mentally. It took me a short while after removing myself from that environment for the sense of what became apparent in what I had within me after I left the building where I had been.
A lesson in life
What is crystalising in my mind this morning is that, I knew that during my sleep I had understood exactly what had happened the day before, but the truth was painful and I didn’t wish to face it upon waking, and so it stayed in my subconscious. It has taken the past hour or two to write this, to put this in place with a calmness that will allow me to move past it and be free from the energy I absorbed. To release it outside of myself, be able to stand outside of my perceived reality and observe myself. Which is precisely what I was doing when observing the events of yesterday morning, watching events unfold while being unaffected by them, until the energy it created was passed to me creating a state of imbalance in the process. It also brought me to know just how my sensitivity has developed, coinciding with exercises I have begun to be more aware of my five senses, to allow me to soon engage in and create a *Power of 8 Group in any way I can.
I remain detached from these bad energies in my life and practice a daily ritual to ensure this is in place. Could this experience have been more damaging to me if I had not been doing that? I realise that it isn’t valid to say that but leave it here. I have almost completed this therapy session, having cleared the path for continued progress in my pursuit of myself and the universe. I try to sum up this with my constant reminder to myself that I am part of everything and it of me, this is not a choice but a reality. We are energy forms that choose to present in this physical world as a human being, to evolve and develop our soul and purity, adding to the never ending circle of all life. Feeding back what we learn for good and create our future existence. I will at some point cease to exist in this physical world but continue on, as energy can not be destroyed only transformed. I maintain my belief that this the betterment of all life, while I hold that dear to my heart. I trust in myself above all else and give my love to all. I am incapable of any other choice and content in knowing that.
Session ended and sealed with tears of love
Featured image: Dr Masaru Emoto’s water crystal experiments
* The Power of 8 book is the result of years of research and controlled experiments by Lynne McTaggart. An account that is nothing short of mind blowing. It encapsulates many of my own long held beliefs, but in a way that I would never have arrived at on my own. Learning about our natural ability to create, what can only be described as miracles. It will challenge the thinking of many people. I view this as being like being given the key to an Extraordinary VIP lounge, where I can begin to do something I have been working towards in my own way learn and achieve for some time. I will go on to explore ways of creating groups of my own where I can, in the town I live, on the websites that have the potential and among friends and family. It represents a divinity and purity that I have grown to accept exists, against beliefs I once held when much younger. The world is changing and I am changing, as is humanity. and all that we once thought we knew. This is a chance to create a far better place for everyone and all life. I want to be a part of that by choice.