While I know that my life is rich in so many ways and I have the love of some of the most beautiful souls that I have encountered in my life, I still find myself in a moment of such deep sadness that causes tears to run down my cheeks. No matter how hard I try to control this emotion to avoid being consumed by it, even for the briefest of moments, it still manages to get to the core of my soul. I have filled my life with good and positive things, have a perspective on my life, future and where I am going with a great sense of purpose, but none of that stops this from happening. What am I to do to resolve this pain that overwhelms me when it chooses to enter my thoughts.
Added to this moment is the very sad news of a friend having a miscarriage, which equally brought me to a deeply sad state of mind. The two channels of sadness appeared to blend into one, as I compare my pain with that I felt for a dear friend in the loss of her unborn child. It brought me to a kind of understanding of both which I think is helping me with both. The sorrow of my friend is quite a different matter, in that the creation of a life is a divine and wonderful privilege to behold, and not all are graced with such gifts in life. My own story was a world apart from hers and it was hard at first to equate the two in a similar way; loneliness was not on the same level of emotion and life impact event. It is something that lives on until I find a way of dealing with it, something I carry within myself that appears when I least expect it.
I am in no way trying to raise my own situation to the same level as my friend, only describing how a similarity came about in my thoughts. Later this morning I will take a bouquet of flowers to my lovely friend to add some life and beauty into her day and give her a big hug while resisting the temptation and urge to cry hopelessly and drag her to depths of sadness that I know she will not wish to be taken, or myself to that matter! I immediately question, if I wish to go and give her a hug, that I am the one in need of that emotional moment, to help myself and her at the same time, perhaps!
In all honesty, I believe that I understand why I fall victim to these moments of deep loneliness and comprehend what I need to do to bring that to an end. I also know that the harder you try to make something enter your life the more elusive it is to you, not an easy concept to come to terms with. And here I am once again giving myself a therapy session. Deep breathe and relax…
I have tried to understand myself the best I am able throughout my life, it is an inherent part of who I am. I always need to know the truth while being very intuitive and sensitive, and to degrees that have caused me suffering as a result. I believe that my self-understanding has allowed me to avoid the sufferance now, and to make use of those senses for my own good, and so far so good. As part of that learning process, I know that I do actually want and need to have someone in my life that is as close as another can be. To love me for who I am without reservation and allow me to reciprocate the same. I invite and welcome that into my life with a belief that it will arrive in time, knowing that I must not try to force it. I am also quite impatient when I want something too, so this is a challenge and the reason the feelings have emerged with more frequency lately.
All is good again once I have rationalised my thinking and I can be happy again and live my life in a state of bliss and joy. Perhaps it’s just about living in the present moment with that belief that holds me to the knowledge that I don’t have to worry if it will happen.
I am sure that many can feel loneliness even in a relationship, as I have done in my past. Looking back I can only qualify that as an effect of my own lack of being able to connect with loving myself and subsequently others, in a way that I thought I should be able to. I didn’t really understand love then. I am not that person anymore! I have been liberated from that dark place and feel love in ways that touch me deeply and surprisingly at times. I accept that my body chemistry has changed over the past four to five years, and much about me has shifted. Shifted for the better in that I feel more aligned with who I have always been, but denied myself for so many years.
Loneliness is a state of mind and I understand that. I am not alone and never have been, it is only my perception and a need that I wish to fulfil. It is not to complete me as a person and I believe that I have never expected that from another. I love people! I miss having a hug or a cuddle, the human contact at that level, that is a large part of my need. I spent over 30 years being part of a couple and know the feeling and how it makes one feel, and I miss it in my life. We all wish to be loved, wanted and needed, it gives us a sense of belonging, in the same way, that a community can function at its best. We have lost many of those qualities of the past 50 years on a gradual scale of decline, and it pains me to know that. We are seeing more division and disconnection at all levels between race, colour religion and anything thing else that you can argue over. None of it is really of great importance in the scheme of life, but somehow, we as humanity have been brought to this on a global scale.
I have been researching Mother Earth and learning just how far back in civilisation she goes. I respect the history and reasons of her existence and reverence throughout time, to a point where I considered this morning to research some of the eastern world religions such as Buddhism, one that does not worship a male god but many gods and goddesses. I seek a more balanced view of life and the world, and if I can find that in something of that nature, I may follow through with it. Something has to change for me in this world, not only to have another close to me and in my arms but what I am prepared to stand and fight for at that present time. This feels as if it may be the correct thing for me, at this early hour of a Sunday morning in July 2021.
I finish by adding, I did not go and visit my dear friend, I respected her situation and gave her the space that I too would need in such a sad moment. I sent a meaningful message of support and love, from which the reply I received confirmed that it was the right choice to make.